I, me and myself !!

"Please tell me the secret to true and unending happiness?" said the young man..

"Free your mind. Let go of all the bonds. When you've lost everything, you'd be free to do anything. Redemption lies within." the fairy told the young man as she merged into the thin air in front of his weary eyes.

What is the purpose of our existence, when our creation itself was something we had no control over. We are born into this intricate framework of the environment that surrounds us and that teaches us to be just the way they would want us to be, without ever giving us a chance of being what we wanted to be. Is our presence just meant to satisfy the whims and fancies of others. Are we here just to please and nod and keep those who are close to us and those who are not so close to us, happy? I hope not. I guess not.

Our childhood is a journey along the path that our parents have chosen for us. We are just meant to tread that path without a single ounce of doubt in our minds about the reason we are doing so. How many of us would've had a part in deciding which school we wanted to go to, which religion were we supposed to follow, which people to talk to, which people to not talk to, what habit to avoid and what attitude to inculcate in ourselves. By the time we are smart enough to realize the importance of questioning our own beliefs, we are left alone to struggle and find our niche in a terrible terrible world.

Man was meant to be sad. Happiness comes in small packages. We can never be happy for long periods of time because we were never designed that way. It always takes an effort to be happy. Being gloomy comes naturally to all. The greatest pleasure in this world is to make someone else smile. The biggest compliment that you can achieve, is to have someone say to you, that you put a smile on their face. Happiness is a myth that is created by the absence of misery. The exalted emotions achieved during the state of being happy are just the forebodings of the darkness that is to follow. The search of true happiness ends when you start enjoying your misery, for gloom would never be able to bother you anymore.

All relationships in this world are a trade. The reason a guy loves a girl is totally different from the reason the girl loves the guy back. Both of them have their own selfish motives behind the so called emotion of love that they experience. It's also true that no one would ever be ready to accept the fact that true love doesn't exist. The biggest fact that supports that statement is the reason that the emotion of love cannot be expressed without using the most selfish word in the whole of English language, "I". A mother loves her child, so that she can be loved back. Your parents want you to get married and have kids because they want to be happy by seeing you happy. In all this scheme of things where was the individual that is characterized by your existence, 'lost' ?

Individualism is a virtue that has been buried in the annals of our history over and over again by the norms of the society. There has been an endless struggle between a person's individuality and his environment's perception of the human being. To come out of the matrix, you have to be a rebel. A rebel against the establishment. Against the institution. Against the principles and norms of the world that surrounds you. The question that arises immediately is, whether we can do all that by being a part of the system or do we have to give everything up and wander in search of peace of mind.

The answer as always, lies within you. The solutions to your problems can only be provided by you yourself and no one else. There was a time when we could accept things just the way they were and move along with life. We were assured that the pain, that we all feel now, would recede in due course of time and that we would emerge stronger and more mature. We were assured that everyone was going through the same ordeal and that we were not all alone in the wide ocean. But does that help me now. Well, maybe for a while. Why do I wait in anticipation of something magical happening to me. Why don't I act now ?

Be an individual. You are not defined by your job. You are not defined by your car. You are not defined by your house. You are not defined by your wealth. You are not defined by your family, your kids, your wife, your parents or your siblings. You are what you are. That is the plain and simple fact that we have chosen to ignore, or have never contemplated about or in certain cases, have been never introduced to. When you start living for yourself, you'd understand the true essence of living.

It's like being attached and still not having any bonds with someone. If it comes down to it, you should be able to walk out of your life, or what you imagine your life to be, right that moment, without having any second thoughts, or any regrets. I wonder if anyone of us could ever do that. But we have to be the change that we want to bring. The secret lies in having the clarity in your thoughts, the conviction of your mind and the patience in your endeavor.

Things, they have a habit of changing. They also have a habit of changing at an excruciatingly slow pace. You cannot rush into something that you'd want to be. An extreme reaction from you, would provoke an equally violent reaction from your surroundings. It's always better to ease into certain things. Let the feeling sink in. Once the environment is used to the fact that you are in the process of a steady change, it learns to adapt itself very smartly. Every once in a while, you'd definitely have hiccups in the way. You just have to carry on.

The problem that our generation is facing is unique. This is not similar to the problems of adolescence or the mid-life crisis, that can be solved with proper guidance and counselling. This is the problem of a more generic nature that affects each and everyone who has experienced a modern day life in a modern day world. What we need is to stand together and stand strong. The solution lies not in accepting the problem, but in fighting it. We have to search for a way out and not wait for the light at the end of the tunnel, for that tunnel might never end. We have to be the flag-bearers and set an example where others can follow.

In an ideal world, things would be much simpler. You'd say what you wanted to without bothering about the repercussions. You'd also listen to what someone had to say to you, without any prejudice and without being judgmental about the individual. You'd trade love, hate, happiness, sadness, ecstasy, depression, obsessions and fantasies with everyone without distinction. You'd be defined by you yourself and your actions and not by the society around you. You'd be the creator, preserver and the destroyer of your own destiny. You'd be a part of the crowd and yet have your own identity. You'd be with your partner and yet be single. You'd have kids and yet be independent. You'd have parents and yet be unburdened. You'd have friends and yet have no expectations. You'd have emotions and yet be numb. You'd be busy and yet be free. You'd be sad and yet be glad.

But above all, you'd be an INDIVIDUAL..

The New - Year..All over again !!

It's that time of the year again,

When you sit back and reflect.

About the year gone by,

Wondering where did all the time fly.

It's that time of the year again,

When you are alone yet crowded.

There is a sullen eerie silence surrounding you,

While all the emotions are flowing through.

It's that time of the year again,

When you settle all the balances.

Friends lost, friends gained,

Some acquaintances, others ingrained.

It's that time of the year again,

When silence speaks louder than words.

Hurt and pain are allowed to heal,

When you run low on invigorating zeal.

It's that time of the year again,

When beauty takes on a whole new meaning.

Everything old looks charming,

Everything new seems disturbing.

It's that time of the year again,

When you feel yourself getting older.

Reliving the times you have lived your life,

Despite everything, how you managed to survive.

It's that time of the year again,

When a warm hug is all you need.

The overwhelming gloom is only partially marred,

By the distant sunshine glowing in the backyard.

Remembering.......My LOST friend!!!!!

Chanakya wrote centuries before:

"There is some self-interest behind every friendship.

There is no friendship without self-interests. This is a bitter truth."

I am sure the definition of Friendship has changed for me with age. Or maybe I had never made the effort to define friendship when I was young. Friends have always been very important in my life. When friends hurt, it is hard….as hard as a break up. Here is a letter I once wrote to a precious friend. It was an attempt to show my anger, make her feel how important her friendship was to me. Now it’s a lost friendship. Honestly it does not matter anymore…..or may be it does.

And it's not been easy for me since last week. What makes it further worse is that "You don't care". Well I realize u have your own reasons for this attitude as u have other priorities to look into presently.

It's been quite a number of times now that u have hurt me but; as they say time is the best remedy. When silence hits us, I donno about u but I can't stand the sight of you, others talking about u and even of office….as this is where we met.

Isn't it strange that two people, who have had uncountable silent, meaningful conversations.....who have had opened their hearts to each other......shared the darkest secrets of their lives.......laughed and cried with the biggest forces of nature...........made each other feel so special.......are not together at one of the most important phases of their life.

May be that's what life is all about ......... growing in life is all about........relationship is all about and........above all this; accepting that u have failed in one of the most important relationship u had, in spite of all the investments made.

Before I met u....I had accepted that "All relationships come with an expiry date", but u made me re-believe that friendship does exist. N that life could be soo.....soo simple just because of one person. I really meant it..... "Few people make this world a better place just by being in it."

This time though, you have hurt me really badly. The only question that would have struck my mind a million times over the last week was, “how can a person like u who could decipher even my silence, while the world seemed unnoticed be so indifferent." How can this person develop this attitude that I would have understood if I were a friend? Friend???????????

I think u and me barely know the meaning of this heavy word. It has been so hard to look into ur eyes or even ur face. All I could see is hatred for me.

Really don't want to get into the discussion of what happened and all or answer the question asked by u, that, if I felt bad about something. I expect a person of ur space in my life to know it anyways. And may be that was my biggest mistake. .... "Expect".

Donno whats going to be the impact of this letter. I mean may be as in the past like that crying phone call of mine, or those flowers I got for u all the way to ur home.........this letter may break the ice and we may just hug, cry n get over all this. Or may be this may just be a letter of words. Whatever it is, I just could not handle anymore, all the hatred in my broken heart I had been carrying for you all day and night in the last long-long week. And it had to vent out. Thought this could be the easiest way an escapist like me could possibly choose. Can't deny the fact that whatever it may turn out to be, "It won't matter five years from now."

The wounds though invisible are deep sure for u also. Just that u have other diversions to concentrate into. N whatever it is, ones own agony is all any person can see and I am no different.

Don't really know how to conclude this letter. N whatever it is I shall always wish to see u smiling.

A magical night when time stood still.....

There are several phases to one's life. There is a phase that includes going through the daily chores as routinely as clockwork. Even the weekends have the same old itinerary to be followed. Then there are other days when you break the shackles of the mundane urban life to do something for yourself. Something that you'd always dreamt of. Something that was always etched deep into your soul. To live a moment that you'd never forget for as long as you live.

There are times when time stands still and the world that you live in doesn't seem to be all that important to you. You are in a surreal state of exaltation and are completely oblivious to everything around you. Experiencing that ecstasy is an experience in itself.

Music, they say, has tremendous abilities. Music can create storms, cause winds, light a fire, heal the wounded and soothe the battered. The sound of music is pristine. It is divine. It is unworldly.

It so happened that the Ghazal maestro Shri Jagjit Singh Ji chose to descend upon the City of Nawabs, Hyderabad and perform in a concert. It was probably my only chance of catching the master at work and thus it goes without saying that I had to make it to watch him in that rendition.

It is strange how the city that one lives in is also the city that one explores the least. Probably everyone has a comfort zone of their own which they are scared to come out of. I always knew about this palace in Hyderabad called the "Chowmahalla Palace" but had never bothered to pay a visit to the place. When I actually ended up going there, I realized that, that night was not going to be an ordinary one. The splendour and the magnificence of the palace is quite unmatched by anything else that I have seen with my bare eyes.

As if what I had seen was not enough, the two heavenly souls in flesh and blood finally descended in front of our eyes. Shri Jagjit Singh Ji and Gulzar Sahib are people who would be talked about by the generations to come. The feats that both of them have achieved are tough to even fathom, let alone conquer.

As the night wore on, my anxiety was getting the better of me. I had to know how it felt to be in the midst of so many people listening to someone so special perform. When Jagjit Ji began his "Alaap" and uttered the words of the first ghazal "कुछ ना कुछ तो ज़रूर होना है" he captured the audience's rapt attention and I realized that I was all alone in the sea of music and at the mercy of a master who kept me afloat with his voice. I realized that something unprecedented in my life was about to unfold in front of me and I could hardly control my pleasure and excitement. By the end of the ghazal, everyone knew that this night was something to be savoured. There was a quite hush all around and you could even hear a pin drop somewhere in the distance. We were left quite utterly..speechless.

The next ghazal was in a lighter vain. "तुमने बदले हमसे गिन गिन के लिए", taunts the lover for taking a revenge. The ghazal transformed midway into a qawwali and it just portrayed the amazing talent that everyone on that stage possessed. The five instruments that accompanied the soulful voice were the violin, the tabla, the dholak, the flute and the Electric guitar. The jugalbandi that ensued, like love, cannot be described in words, but can only be felt by a soul that is alive.

If "चिट्ठी ना कोई संदेस" reminded us of the penchant and gloomy days, "होशवालों को खबर क्या" took us into the realms of romaticism and the bliss of love. The emotional see-saw continued with the lows of "ये दौलत भी ले लो" begging the almighty for the depressed souls to be returned to the innocence of childhood, and the highs of "झूम के जब रिन्दों ने". It seemed that the choice of each and every song and the order in which it would be presented had a careful thought behind it. All of us were being conspired against by a handful of souls on the stage with divine talent. The wings of our thoughts were being cut off so that they couldn't fly.

"शाम से आँख में नमी सी है" touches your heart with the soulful lyrics and coerces you to shed a tear or two in the name of the one you love or the one you lost..Forever..

"हजारों ख्वाहिशें ऐसी" followed suit as if to clear our doubts of self proclaimed state of happiness. Every living soul is depressed because it has the power to dream. It's just that those who find a temporary happiness are the ones who have fulfilled one of their dreams.

"तुमको देखा तोह यह ख्याल आया" and "होठों से छु लो तुम" are two ghazals that have made Jagjit Ji immortal in the eyes of his fans and also in the those millions of music lovers all over the world. The songs too, are as evergreen as their singer's voice..They leave a deep sense of nostalgia in every heart that feels pain.

"पिया बिन सूना लागे" is not a ghazal per se. Jagjit Ji probably felt that he owed us something even more extraordinary than what he had already presented and so he obliged with the Thumri. Needless to say that we were left dumbfounded at the heights that one mortal soul could achieve in his lifetime.

"तेरी खुशबू में बसे ख़त" was again for the romantic souls who have ever faced a defeat in their love lives. To have loved and lost is the greatest human emotion that a person can feel. I know how it hurts, and I also know how it helps you change as an individual altogether. Love can never die..It stays on forever..and ever in one's heart.

All through the night, I had secretly wished that Jagjit Ji perform "सरकती जाए है रुख से नकाब" and when he chose to sing that song as the last of the day, I knew that God was listening to me that day..His attention was probably caught by the millions of wishes that might have been emanating from that glorious, larger than life palace. Maybe He too chose to descend from His heavenly abode to watch Jagjit Ji perform.

This post would truly be incomplete if I did not mention about the musicians that accompanied Jagjit Ji. All of them every simply marvellous and extraordinarily skilled. They had such an obvious and a strong relationship with their instruments that comes only with spending hours and hours of time practicing and investing sweat and blood. The jugalbandi stint at the very end of the concert was the perfect way to end the ceremonious occasion. If Jagjit Ji would have stopped mid way to end the magical show, I feel even the Almighty Himself, might have been left a little unpleased.

There are only a few things that you truly remember in your lifetime. That night most definitely is one such thing in my life. Time truly stood still on that magical night. The heavens must have bestowed their blessings on us for us to be so fortunate to have been a part of such an extravaganza. Thank you Lord Almighty for creating such a heaven on earth. Thank you for giving us Jagjit Singh !!

Crying is not just about shedding tears..

I always thought that being frank was good. You said what you felt. You meant what you said. You liked someone, you'd let them know. You hated someone, you'd let them know too. There was never an implicit meaning to the things that you said. But then, I guess I was wrong.

I don't know why, but keeping your emotions to yourself seems to be the 'cool' thing to do. Anyone who wears his feelings on his sleeves is termed as a 'sentimental' or an 'emotional' fool. So much so that anyone who is even remotely emotional is always reminded of his shortcoming and is told to be stronger and tougher. It's a quality of the weak and the timid, these self-proclaimed doctorates of psychology would add.

Other people, have a particular aversion to the 'senti' type as they would say. This aversion, in my opinion, stems not just from the fact that these 'senti' people are true to their inner being, it's also because of the fact that they force others to ask a question to their inner emotional beings. The emotional being which has been suffocated to unconsiousness in some and to a demise in others.

People try so hard to suppress their emotions that they keep building up the heap and when this frustration reaches over the hill it vents itself out on someone totally undeserving. It's obvious that these people are the one's who are the most upset and irritated with life because anyone without an emotional vent eventually does turn into a monster ball ready to explode at the slightest of provocations.

Some people are so emotionally insensitive that they hardly ever realize the good from the bad, the beautiful from the ugly, the scent from the stink. They are more like a dead brain in a living body, living their lives just for the heck of it. Dont bare your soul in front of one of these entities, because all you would get from them is a blind, condescending and an apathetic look.